I often let people know that Carolyn Hax is my favorite advice columnist. Her answers to reader questions in her columns and weekly chats reveal a very healthy outlook on life and relationships. She emphasizes treating others with respect, not making decisions based on the hope that others will change, and finding meaning and reaching out right now, not in some vague future time when some hoped-for condition will be met (lucky break, dream job, Mr. Right).
Every so often, she fields questions that describe behavior patterns that are controlling, stalking, manipulative—and sometimes outright abusive. Her answers are practical for the immediate situation, but Hax also suggests counseling to help the writer better perceive and separate from the situation, and reading Gavin de Becker’s The Gift of Fear. That book comes up time and time again in response to these types of questions, and that eventually piqued my curiosity. I just finished reading it.
De Becker, who himself had an abusive childhood, is a leading security expert whose firm has had many high- and low-profile clients and which has developed tools for the public at large. His mission in the book is to allow people to separate the false fears that we tend to focus on (because the media blows certain incidents way out of proportion) from the true fears that we often try to brush away (ignoring our feelings of unease because we want to be nice or are afraid of harshly judging others). I think everyone would be well-served by reading this book, and it’s a necessity for those whose background or circumstances place them in positions of vulnerability: those who were abused in the past, those who have not found their voice, those whose mindset is about meeting others’ expectations even at the expense of their own needs, and those who feel uneasy having to be around a co-worker who just doesn’t seem quite right.
For previews, check out de Becker’s interviews and reviews of his book.
